Do you know these moments where you’re so convinced what you’re doing is the only way, but when you look back, there are so many more ways?
I had a wake up call a few weeks ago. It was after having hosted my first retreat – a dream coming true!!-
I hadn’t planned any days off after the retreat and went straight into full time mommy-ing. I would take it slow with Lóa the day after, chill with her, no problem! HA. That’s not how it works.
I craved netflix, pyjamas and tea and doing absolutely nothing, but instead I had to take care of my favourite mini human. After a week of going and going, I sort of crashed.
* Crying about all and nothing
* Feeling super wobbly, totally overwhelmed and freaking tired
* Waking up from grinding teeth – jaw totally tensed
* Unable to relax in any way
* The idea of taking care of my daughter for a whole day felt like climbing the mount everest
Bringing Lóa to her grandparents for one morning didn’t help. I tríed so hard to relax, but couldn’t! I realised I was in overdrive-mode and had to do something about it. Because I love the simplicity of paying someone to listen to my story for 1,5 hours – I booked a session with Tineke Duys and she had time for me the same day!
It was a session that blew my mind and all my current ideas about motherhood.
I explained to her that ‘giving’ and ‘receiving’ were completely out of balance. I felt an intense desire to crawl up underneath a blanket while someone would take care of ME for once, feeding me, stroking my hair, and then leaving me alone so I could watch netflix. That perfect mix of being totally nourished and left the fuck alone. “I have nóthing to GIVE anymore!” I told her.
She told me that she thought that I was doing a LOT, trying to grow my business whilst taking care of our daughter full time – well not completely fulltime, I have an amazing partner, but still he’s working 5 days a week, so pretty much fulltime, yes, thank you! – ánd trying to keep up with the laundry and other grown-up stuff. She asked me all these practical things like:
How often are you cooking? Who does the groceries? When do you have time to do something just for you? How often are you available for your business?
And the most important thing she said was :
“What if motherhood is a full time job?”
“And if you both have a full time job, then why are you doing most of the cooking, the groceries and the household?”
– Angelic choir with birdsounds while a portal is opening inside my head – blinding me with light –
It was one of these epiphanies that made my life so much easier, right then and there.
I felt SO acknowledged and seen for all that I do. It felt amazing!!
Everything started to click and fall in place.
Finally I started to see motherhood for what it really is. A full time job!! A very nice job, but very intense too!
Finally I understood why I always had this rushy feeling, like there’s just never enough time!
BECAUSE THERE WASN’T ENOUGH TIME!
As soon as my daughter would fall asleep I heard the clock ticking: the golden 2 hours !!!
Time to do my website! And answer emails! And prepare my danceclass! And… eat, keep up with my online course, and…
SHIT she’s awake already and I just finished #1.
Half an hour later I’d be in the playground with my daughter, but couldn’t be there, really, because I hadn’t finished all these things!
Tineke told me that she had read that most of the time motherhood asks even móre of you than working somewhere else. Because in most jobs you can have a bad day and do a little less, but as a mama you have to be present 100% all the time!
I realised that I have to choose: Do I want to be a full time mother and wait with my business, or do I want to be a parttime mama and actually have time to work?
The idea of waiting with my business gave me such a stomach ache that it was clear: I’m choosing to be a parttime mama now. (OMG! my motherheart still cramps when I say that out loud)
I see that I’ve tried to do a 100 things at the same time and I was convinced that it was normal. I even felt like I was weird for not being able to do it all.
So it’s time for a new balance!!
For the first time I made an overview of how many hours I need per week to work, how many hours I need to do something for myself and how much time it costs to cook & do the groceries.
So I know how many days per week I need a nanny.
The result is:
* We have a cooking schedule! whaaat! (I cook 3 days, Johan 4 – the one who cooks does the groceries)
– This is already soooo nice! I know when Johan cooks, it doesn’t feel like I’m asking him a favour, it doesn’t feel like I’m failing when I don’t cook… amazing!!
* We found a supersweet nanny for Lóa and she will go there 2 (short) days a week! Next to the two mornings she goes to opa & oma and the babysitter.
* Making a schedule for myself : when do I work, when do I do something for me? Keeping work/private separate and in balance.
* Naps are for relaxing or doing something fun!
THIS FEELS SO HUGE!
The belief that a stay-at-home mama is not doing much was stronger than I thought. It made me think that I could do a lot of things next to it, which was actually quite impossible!
It’s SO NICE to see it clearly now!
What a relief that I don’t have to do it all anymore.
Slowly my energy is coming back and I start to feel more in balance.
Super curious what this next fase will bring!